My Honor is my life

Wow. What a week last week. I have actually managed to keep busy for an entire week. I finaly got my unemployment. Plus it was all back paid. So I got $680 all in one lump sum. My bills all got paid, from my mom's saving account and my last paycheck. But I made sure she did notwant me to pay her back. And I went out and bought me something special.

I bought a Playstation 3. I know a little moronic considering I dont have a job right now. But it will work itself out in the end. It has too, or I will be living under a bridge somewhere.

The reason I went and did this makes sense when you think about my recent gig. My video Game show. None of us have has a PS3. So when running a Video Game Website Phil-N-Rob'd Games Its hard to be taken seriously when you can not talk bout PS3 games also. So me havig the big idea to do this, and drag all my friends into the fire with me, I bit the bullet and got the 80GB PS3. As an Xbox 360 fanboy this was heartbreaking. I know. And my 360 has been watching me closely I am afraid to sleep in the same room as it.

When I brought the PS3 home, my 360 watched me carefully unbox the new console. I could hear her grinding her disc tray. "Whats that bitch doing here. Look at your greasy fingerprints all over her. I thought we had something special." She would not talk to me for hours. I made it up to her in the morning with a few hours of sweet Tomb Raider Anniversay, and she went to sleep happy. Fullfuled even...

Anyway...

The show is fun, full house this pas week. Phil is great letting us al hangg out and this thing. We could do it here too, but I am the only one in Henderson. So its easier for meto go there, and we always have a fall back plan if Phil can not do it.

Everyone has goten into the show. People are wanting to do segments for the show. Everything from PC reports, to video game musics segments. So we are quickly filling up an Hour and 20 minute time slot. And it gets me out of the house.

One of the guys is having lady problems. I feel for him. He found out his girlfriend he has been living with for a year went to a concert and stayed with some man she made out with a few years back. She had been sending emails to him, and he found out about it. The thing is this man is in his Mid-50's. Hmmm now why does that sound familiar. Oh thats right, it happened to me to.

She went up and stayed with him for 4 days, he was wealthy. He had a Victorian Mansion owned several buisinesses. She confesed all this because when she got up there, she found out she was not the only young hot thing there. This man basicaly had a harem.

I told him he needed to get out. I watched my life fall apart with the exact same thing. Everytime a new guy that could offer security, she would be gone again. He said he understood me and him were quite similar in that situation. Then he chewed my as out too.

He called me a Dick in a Bottle. In case of penis emergency break the bottle. He said Mel had me pussy whipped, even without never having sex. He said I was too nice. I never aplied pressure and when she told me she was not ready to be in a relationship, she knew I would wait around for her. So he said that she used me to feel good about herself. And she was not held into a relationship so when something better came along, she would not feel guilty.

So when this guy breaks her heart or fucks her and leaves her or whatever happens. I will be the first one she calls crying to, because I am too nice. In case of man emergency break glass. I am like that tootsie roll in the tube i case of diet emergency.

I always knew I was like this. I meet someone and I care way to fast, and they no it. So I am always going to be around. He told me I should have just walked away when she first told me she was not wanting to be in a serious relationship. Beause I was geting used, of course she wanted me to take her out, of course she wanted me to buy her things.

It just hurt to hear it like that. But really my self esteem has not taken that much of a hit. I am so used to this happening. It hurt, I am not going to lie but I am over the Mel thing. And she did help me get over the Ex thing. So right now I am not missing any women in my life. And that is a good thing. I think I needed this, or I think I really needed to be loved back but hey, I am doing good.

I still laugh because he needs to realize that he is basically a dick in the bottle too... but to a girl he lives with.

I went and got my hair cut today. Short... Almost bald again. The way the ex liked it. Its my mean look. I wanted to be in a dark mood. Get over this goody goody attitude. Not give a shit about anything.

Instead some guy siting out in front of mcDonalds asked me for change cause he was broke. Sob story, homeless man, not sure. I gave him $5.00. So much for being a brooding asshole. I always had more heart than sense. :)

Later
Rob

I have spent the last few days watching Gilmore Girls. I looked this morning and yes I still have a penis. I really love this show. I think saddest thing is I have a lot in common with Luke on the show.

I mean I am grumpy to the casual observer, but inside I am a sweetheart. And I constantly get my heart broke. But I have certain people I care about.

I got grociers today. And as I was loading them in the car, I looked at the smile face magnet Mel had gotten me. I thought about taking it down, but didn't. I thought about turning it upside down and making it look like a sad face. But I left it alone.

I am pretty much over the entire situation. It was just another thing in my life that I knew was too good to last. But the future can change, and maybe there is something that will change. I am not pining over her. I understand. But I still miss her.

I am not sure what is going on. But she had given me a bunch of household supplies at one time. Her mom Demos things at Supermarkets. One of the things I got from them was a little Contonelle Dog, you are supposed to stuff with toilet paper, because you know its supposed to be supersoft toilet paper.

The point of the story. Everynight this damn thing is in the living room. In the exact same place. I thingk the cat keeps dragging it out, but I never see her do it, and most of the time my bedroom door is closed. I never see her with it. But no matter where I set this damn thing. It ends up in the living room floor, in the same spot. Weird, unnerving. Is it a sign. Is it my dad's ghost fucking with me. Is it the home to a small clan of puppet spiders. I dont know but it is fucking with my head.

Anyway the video game show is going strong its fun. I still think I missed my calling as a producer. Oh well life is full of hopes and dreams. ANd its never all Puppy Dogs and Rainbows right.

Anyway, I am doing good. Thegut is not sliced into, I am bleeding internally. I miss a girl that was great. But she deserve happiness and I respect that.

And remember this fortune.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I am not sure there is a sign in that one but I laughed at it when I got it this weekend.

Latz
Rob

I wanted to let you guys know I am doing okay. I am having that knife in the gut feeling that heartache brings. Do you ever know what the hell causes that. Cause it feels like a knife, twisted, stabbing right into your heart.

I hope it goes away. It was not as prevelant as it was when my wife left me. I am not sure, maybe it was time we were together, or maybe the fact that we never even kissed or anything. But it did hurt, and I was just shocked out how she just forgot I ever exsisted. Not a peep from her. Maybe she expected me to talk to her. But I know where I am not wanted. I can take a hint. I have gotten good at this over the years.

So thats it. I am official finished with relationships. Done. There is no point. Women treat me like I am a placeholder in their lives. So when something better comes along they can jump to that. It happens with every women I care about.

Your great. I like hanging out with you.

Hey I am busy ant talk to much right now. I will catch up with you.

I am not in for a serious relationship

Hey there your cute, no I aint talking to anyone.

Sigh Bad Luck.

I feel like I live in my own version of Good Luck Chuck.

We could call it No job Rob. You date me, break my heart and you move on to better things. No need to look back. He will pick himself up and walk away.

Whatever. But I will be okay. It hurts because this truly was the only girl in the whole world I truly knew I wanted a future with. I guess as Great as I knew she was, its hard to believe no one else would discover it.

But you know I only wasted 2 years pining over a girl, thats a little shorter time than wasting 7 years right. And trust me they feel like wasted years when they abandon you.

Oh well good night

Rob

Hey guys. Can you tell when I am depressed I write in this thing more often. I would like to think the ladies for the kind words on my budding novel.

As Depressed as I have been. I had a real good Sunday. I looked forward to it all weekend. My show has been a saving grace this week. With everythng going on, it gave me something to look forward to. Plus it gets me out of the apartment.

But I like doing the show, even if it was a big mess this weekend. Phil's wireless went out after Josiah tried to fix it. We absolve Josiah of any wrong doing, and we think Phil's Cable we used to do the show was bad. After we replaced the router, everything went good. But the show was over at that point.

One guy told us he only bought a webcam just for our show. So he is our number one fan. I do have to say that the show needs an explicit tag. We got a little blue, and thats not my normal communication style.

I have never heard anymore from Melanie. I think that is what bothers me the most. I sent her the last message on Monday of last week, and never heard back from her. I feel pretty rejected. I mean I was very good to her, I did nothing to hurt her, she can't even let me know that she found something better. My feelings are going to be hurt either way. I am not mad. Just thought she would continue to talk with me or something. :(

After we did the show and returned from Circuit City with the new router, and instaled it, we hung around for a little bit. Then Josiah and I went to meet Bryan at a Hacienda. Then we called Jesse and went to Borders.

He brought his Niece and Nephew with him. His Nephew is funny. We verbal berate each other, but I like him. He may join us for future episodes of the show.

Its funny, it started out the Phil and Rob show (phil-n-rob'd)now we have become an empire. I am not sure how we will get everyone on the camera. Phil, Jesse, Josiah (Paul), Brian the PC guy, and Jacob sometimes.

Most of all these people I had not seen since the incident at the Friend's House with Melanie.

I thought about making shirts at CafePress and selling them, but I may need to talk to my friend and see if he has worked on my logo first, I hate to use the real shitty logo for the shirts. Its not like they will sale or anything, but I want one for myself to wear during the show.

Sorry to talk about the show so much, I have another blog for that. But anyway everyone have another good night. And I will try to wipe away the Emo.

Later
Rob

Here is the complete first chapter of my newest novel to never be finished. I hope you enjoy. Give me feed back if you wish












1
The diner was busy. A normal October day. The older gentlemen sat in the corner sipping coffee and talking about the weather. Rain was on the way, and with it, the temperature was going to dip into the lower 40's. Already you could feel the change in the air.
Russ sat by himself, nursing a diet soda. His knee would not stop bouncing. It was like this when he was nervous or excited about something. Every sip of the soda was like a job interview death sentence. He had an hour before his latest job interview. And he feared for his delicate white shirt, and every few seconds he would adjust his tie.
He had been out of work for a few months. It had been a terrible few months. The weeks seemed to have gotten worse. Loose your job one month. Your girlfriend the next. And in times like this you really forget to believe in something. Hell you forget to believe in anything.
The thunder came rolling in next. Everyone watched excitedly. There was something about rain. Most people fall into two categories. Those who like the rain, and those who it ruins there whole day. There is something comforting in fall rain. The way the fallen leaves glisten. And float down the rivers or the passing lane. Like life really. It always flows. You can't stop it, unless you build up barriers. And Russ knew something about barriers. He wish he had never taken his down to begin with.
Russ had been married. It was the happiest time in his life. Having someone who understood you, loved you, wanted the best for you. They had wanted kids. He had dreamed about kids. And when his wife had gotten pregnant it was the downfall of his marriage.
She always blamed him for the loss of the pregnancy, and it made him guilty. He had put to much stress on her. After all she made all the money in the household. If she could have stayed home, the child would still be alive. She never would have been at work that day. A the guilt began to eat away at him this morning, and that was not a good sign. A lone tear washed down his face, and he knew it was life, we all flow from water.
The diner was situated in a large city block. The high rises here however were only 20 stories at the tallest. But a city is a city. The waitress smiled as she came over to ask if he needed a refill. He placed his hand over the tall plastic glass.
“You sure your okay hon?” The waitress asked him. She placed a delicate hand on her left hip as she held the pitcher of diet soda out. He could smell a sweet fragrance of apple and lilacs. He shook his head and watched as she walked on back over to the counter.
The little bell dinged as another straggler came in from the thunder and wind. He was wearing a dirty and ripped green jacket. Something from an Army Surplus store. He was dark skinned, and had a fuzzy white beard. Like he was the African American version of Santa Clause. He walked past Russ and towards the table of the elderly gentlemen.
“Can I trouble any of you men for a few dollars, I was hoping to get a breakfast and some coffee.” He asked, and as I listened I could feel the shame radiating off him. I knew people, and this man was down on his luck. Of course you did not have to be psychic to see that.
“Mam,” I motioned to the waitress, “ Get this gentleman anything he wants.” I was not a rich man, but I believed in Karma. And I needed all the luck I could get. And buying a poor homeless man really could not go toward ruining my day.
The homeless man sat in the booth with me. I was surprised. Although his clothes had seen better days he was well groomed and manicured. There was no offensive odor. In fact he smelled better than the older gentleman bathed in cologne and baby oil.
The pretty little blonde waitress came back over to take his order. I was shocked when basically repeated my order right down to the diet coke. You never really think of homeless men drinking diet coke.
His eyes were piercing blue. Clear, strong eyes. They seemed to float in front of his face. And they starred right into Russ' soul. “Look at you ol' buddy. You got a little thing for that waitress there ain't ya?” His accent was southern, maybe Georgia.
“No.” I paused trying to phrase my next words. It almost seemed like this was some kind of test. His eyes watched me intently. As if he was sizing me up, judging me even.
“Son, don't lie to me. I would be all over something like that. I guarantee.” His accent seemed to shift to a Cajun one. He let out a hearty laugh. Russ felt sorry for him. He thought he might have been one of the Katrina Transplants. Nowhere to go, and now he travels North looking for a place to belong. In a way, the two of them were no different.
There was not much talking between the two of them. When the waitress brought his food, he ate it politely. Not like a starved man. I filled up my drink after all. Paid the tab. The waitress smiled at me a few more times. Every time I felt the man kick me in the shin, like we were in second grade all over again.
His smile was just as strange as everything else about him. His teeth were pearl white. And for someone who may have been living on the streets his attitude was jubilant. When the waitress came over for the last time, he looked up at the pretty waitress that smelled like a lilac field in the middle of an orchard.
“Mam. I have a question for you.” He paused for her to smile.
“Go ahead, sir.”
“Do you have a young man in your life?” She seemed to be take aback for a split second but maintained her composure. She did not seemed offended just shocked.
“Well sir, I don't. I did until a week ago. Long story. And I have a feeling one of you has placed to be.”
“Well I was wondering if you would be so kind to give this man here your phone number?”
Russ looked toward the man, his face had turned as red as the ketchup bottle she had in her smock. He was not sure how to react. And the waitress had even blushed.
“Well I may have to think about that. Maybe he should be the one to ask me.”
Russ again felt the kick in his shins. And the gentleman stood up. Proclaiming he had to go. He touched the waitress hand, gentle squeezing her palm between his thumb and forefinger. She snapped her hand back, not like she was appalled but more like you get hit with a small jolt of static electricity.
“Well, I can tell you. A good man is one who pays for another's privilege. And this man gave me three. His company, meeting you and the excellent meal by your staff. I am truly blessed this day.” He pulled a sock cap out of his coat. And pulled it over his ears.
“It was nice meeting you Russ.” The man held out his hand. Russ went to take it, and instead the man grabbed his palm the same way as the waitress. And he felt the same jolt that he imagined she felt. And a slight burn. Followed quickly by slight nausea that quickly faded.
And he left. Russ felt his hand tingle. Like it had fallen asleep. He looked at his watch. He still had 30 minutes till it was time for the interview. He watched the office building across the street. He knew after today his entire life would be different.
The waitress slid across from him in the booth. She ran her slender delicate fingers through her blonde hair. In front of her was a plate with cherry pie.
“So is this a game the two of you play or something?” She looked across at Russ quizzically. “Because if it is, you could have just asked me for my number. I would have given it to you.” She pushed the plate across the table to Russ. Pinned to it with a little plastic sword was an order card, and written on it was the waitress' name and phone number.
“By the way. My name is Becca.”
“Russ.” He held out his hand to her and she shook it.
“Hey Russ, I don't give my pie to just anyone. You got a good heart. Most people would not have done that you know.”
“What can I say. I always try to help some one in need.” He took a fork full of the pie, and watched in horror as a rebellious cherry rolled down the front of his shirt and tie.
If only that had been the worst part of his day.
* * *
Russ rolled off the mattress in the corner of the hotel room. His shoulder was still burned. Several men were sleeping on other mattresses spread out among the room. You never knew how much a bed frame meant until you sleep on a mattress on the floor.
Joe had just walked into the room when Russ was getting dressed in his fatigues. He was pale. And Russ knew this day was going to be bad.
“What is it Joe?” Fear was working its way into his chest. He did not need anymore complications. He only wanted to do one thing. Get these people they were meeting to safety.
“We have to leave. We can't stay here.” He became frantic, and started waking up others. Some where already panicking and grabbing their weapons. Joe motioned for Russ to follow him out. Stepping out of the room was like stepping out into a nightmare.
Everywhere around them, buildings had crumbled. Cars were everywhere in the streets. And the awful white dust blew into your eyes. The dust that had covered everything. The dust was 99% of what used to be the population of City of Evanston. Every time Russ seen it, he would have to hold back the nausea.
He knew why Joe had panicked. At the corner of Main and First Street was another element of terror . It floated around, searching for something. It was a large chrome orb. Black tendrils seemed to whip around it as it moved. It did not float around like a balloon but more like a dragonfly. It was jerky and not smooth. But those tendrils pushed it off walls, moved debris. We gave these things the nickname Beholder Orbs. They reminded Russ of a creature from the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual.
And to think, a year ago. The scariest thing he had to worry about was going to a job interview with a stain on his shirt.

My mom was talking about God today. My uncle fell off a barge while he was working. And he was in between two barges. He said he watched as they began to clank together, and he had backed as far back as he possible could, and he knew he was dead. So he closed his eyes.

Something stopped the barge from striking and killing him. He decided that after that, he needed to change his life around. That he had to find God. And so last Sunday he was saved.

I feel again like I have lost my faith again.I feel lost. I feel hopeless. Not the same as when my wife left me. But more a betrayl from God. I dont talk about this because it makes me sound crazy. I worry people will think I am Obsessed. Its simply not true. I just fell for someone. Nothing new.

But I seen to much into something. I can remember standing in that bank line talking to her. It was after the card was left on the car and she never called. And as we talked, I heard a voice in my head. Not my own voice. Who knows where it came from, but I felt it was God or some Angel.

It only said one sentence. You Will Marry This Women. And that stuck through the rest of the day, how ridiculous that statement was. I gave her the oppurtunity and for whatever reason I was turned down.

That saturday I was out with friends. My fortune cookie said, "Someone is interested in you." Several jokes were made. But I never thought anything else about it. It was the same saturday that I would come home to find a message from her. Silly thinking about it now right.

I was so full of hope after that. My life became more positive. People seen a dramatic improvement. It was hope. I felt that destiny had discovered me again. Like that rascal Flatts song. God Bless the Broken Road that Lead me Straight to you.

But is there a such things as fate.. destiny and faith. There were things that gave me hope with her. I would sometimes dream of kids. Kids that were obviously mine and her's. Maybe I should stop, I dont want to sound crazy. But I could see them, and there were three of them. One daughter, and two sons. When I was married I never really could see any children. I always was frustrated when I heard that saying, you can see the unborn cildren in her eyes.

But by believing. I got hurt. I fell betrayed. And part of me just can't see why if there is a God. That he can keep letting me get hurt. Am I being tested. If I am I obviously failed because I lost faith. I doubt his existance. Why can anyone believe in taking everything you care about. Is my life really Pandoras Box. Did I stand around with my heart open to long and let Hope out.

I guess that is why they call it faith. But honestly I would rather be the one to step out of the boat, and walk on water, as long as I believed.. then to stand by and watch everything taken from me and be able to do nothing.

I am not mad at her. Like I said before, this has become between me and whatever holds sway over the universe. She was just some silly girl who said hi to me, that I thought I was cute.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
Neil Gaiman

Well I continue on this new miserable path. I can see the storm clouds rolling in, and the bridge looks out ahead. And Is that some kind of glowing eyes I see watching me from the treeline. God, I really hope its not Chuthlu. But the way m life has gone recently, it probably is. Cthulu (Artist Rendition)

See you guys later

Rob

The run of bad luck continues.

Mel has found someone else. I cant blame her, he seems to have his life in order. I am not sure when the hell my life is going to improve.

She deserves happiness, I knew it was to good to be true. I think it is my lot in life to be miserable. I am not sure why I can't get ahead. I mean since I was with her I had hope. I had hope for a future, I had hope that she would fall in love with me.

I knew I should not get attached, but my stupid ass had to go and fall in love. I am done, you know. I can't keep going through this disappointment. Everytime I find some one I want to be with some one always shows up and takes them away fom me.

I am not mad at her, she deserves to be happy. And she will be more happy with someone who can provide security for her. I know she does not want to hurt my feelings, so I will just not talk to her online or anything anymore, so she wnt really know how sad I am.

You know, I am not Job. I keep saying that. You have to have hope. But there are times like this whe I have down, and I still feel like God is kicking me while I am there.

Have A good day.

Okay, I tried to grow a Goatee. This is funny in its own right because, well it looks like I have dirt on my chin. In fact it had become a little joke between Mel and I after I told her I would post a pic on Myspace.

Well the first problem I had was that below my lip broke out. I shaved it. And it went away. This morning I woke up to find that a bad pimple has formed where it was growing on my my chin. ANd it must have gotten infected. I am not sure how I am very clean person. But now my left cheek feels pretty numb. I am hoping to pop it, but not having much luck. It is very painful.

Disgusting I know, and it is also causing my cheek to swell a little bit (I feel like I am injected with novacaine)

Mel would probably tell me its my negatvity pooling in my cheek. She was concerned with me earlier in the week when I changed my mood on myspace to pessemistic. :)

Yesterday I got more bad news. I can not get my 401 k. If I get it I loose my unemployment. SO I have decided to keep it in for now, until I get another job. I was really looking forward to paying off my laptop. Oh well I guess a $15 a month payment wont be too bad til I get the money. Now if I can just get my Uemployment. Its still held up. I am getting really aggrivated.

I did my first VideoGame Show on Operator 11. I think we did pretty good, I am hoping to gather more viewers this Sunday. (1:30 PST, operator11.com 3:30 Central) Its called Philnrobdgames. Look into it if you like. And be sure to watch the first episode. It has all the production value of a Local Accsess channel.

I actualy think I missed my calling. I should have gone in to Production. I am kinda good at it and I enjoy it, man to be young and be able to do it all over again. Lot of things I would have changed. Like not growing a goatee and having a small continent growing on my face. I think they are lighting a bonfire right now.... BRB

Okay back, I went and got an ice cube. Awww relief.

Anyway I have to get off here. I would post pics of said goatee, but you could not realy see it on my face anyway. Now the small continent that as just entered the ice age. I think I seen that thing on Google Earth

Have a good night