Saturday, October 13, 2007
Is it Worth Believing in Anything
My mom was talking about God today. My uncle fell off a barge while he was working. And he was in between two barges. He said he watched as they began to clank together, and he had backed as far back as he possible could, and he knew he was dead. So he closed his eyes.
Something stopped the barge from striking and killing him. He decided that after that, he needed to change his life around. That he had to find God. And so last Sunday he was saved.
I feel again like I have lost my faith again.I feel lost. I feel hopeless. Not the same as when my wife left me. But more a betrayl from God. I dont talk about this because it makes me sound crazy. I worry people will think I am Obsessed. Its simply not true. I just fell for someone. Nothing new.
But I seen to much into something. I can remember standing in that bank line talking to her. It was after the card was left on the car and she never called. And as we talked, I heard a voice in my head. Not my own voice. Who knows where it came from, but I felt it was God or some Angel.
It only said one sentence. You Will Marry This Women. And that stuck through the rest of the day, how ridiculous that statement was. I gave her the oppurtunity and for whatever reason I was turned down.
That saturday I was out with friends. My fortune cookie said, "Someone is interested in you." Several jokes were made. But I never thought anything else about it. It was the same saturday that I would come home to find a message from her. Silly thinking about it now right.
I was so full of hope after that. My life became more positive. People seen a dramatic improvement. It was hope. I felt that destiny had discovered me again. Like that rascal Flatts song. God Bless the Broken Road that Lead me Straight to you.
But is there a such things as fate.. destiny and faith. There were things that gave me hope with her. I would sometimes dream of kids. Kids that were obviously mine and her's. Maybe I should stop, I dont want to sound crazy. But I could see them, and there were three of them. One daughter, and two sons. When I was married I never really could see any children. I always was frustrated when I heard that saying, you can see the unborn cildren in her eyes.
But by believing. I got hurt. I fell betrayed. And part of me just can't see why if there is a God. That he can keep letting me get hurt. Am I being tested. If I am I obviously failed because I lost faith. I doubt his existance. Why can anyone believe in taking everything you care about. Is my life really Pandoras Box. Did I stand around with my heart open to long and let Hope out.
I guess that is why they call it faith. But honestly I would rather be the one to step out of the boat, and walk on water, as long as I believed.. then to stand by and watch everything taken from me and be able to do nothing.
I am not mad at her. Like I said before, this has become between me and whatever holds sway over the universe. She was just some silly girl who said hi to me, that I thought I was cute.
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
Neil Gaiman
Well I continue on this new miserable path. I can see the storm clouds rolling in, and the bridge looks out ahead. And Is that some kind of glowing eyes I see watching me from the treeline. God, I really hope its not Chuthlu. But the way m life has gone recently, it probably is.
Cthulu (Artist Rendition)
See you guys later
Rob
Something stopped the barge from striking and killing him. He decided that after that, he needed to change his life around. That he had to find God. And so last Sunday he was saved.
I feel again like I have lost my faith again.I feel lost. I feel hopeless. Not the same as when my wife left me. But more a betrayl from God. I dont talk about this because it makes me sound crazy. I worry people will think I am Obsessed. Its simply not true. I just fell for someone. Nothing new.
But I seen to much into something. I can remember standing in that bank line talking to her. It was after the card was left on the car and she never called. And as we talked, I heard a voice in my head. Not my own voice. Who knows where it came from, but I felt it was God or some Angel.
It only said one sentence. You Will Marry This Women. And that stuck through the rest of the day, how ridiculous that statement was. I gave her the oppurtunity and for whatever reason I was turned down.
That saturday I was out with friends. My fortune cookie said, "Someone is interested in you." Several jokes were made. But I never thought anything else about it. It was the same saturday that I would come home to find a message from her. Silly thinking about it now right.
I was so full of hope after that. My life became more positive. People seen a dramatic improvement. It was hope. I felt that destiny had discovered me again. Like that rascal Flatts song. God Bless the Broken Road that Lead me Straight to you.
But is there a such things as fate.. destiny and faith. There were things that gave me hope with her. I would sometimes dream of kids. Kids that were obviously mine and her's. Maybe I should stop, I dont want to sound crazy. But I could see them, and there were three of them. One daughter, and two sons. When I was married I never really could see any children. I always was frustrated when I heard that saying, you can see the unborn cildren in her eyes.
But by believing. I got hurt. I fell betrayed. And part of me just can't see why if there is a God. That he can keep letting me get hurt. Am I being tested. If I am I obviously failed because I lost faith. I doubt his existance. Why can anyone believe in taking everything you care about. Is my life really Pandoras Box. Did I stand around with my heart open to long and let Hope out.
I guess that is why they call it faith. But honestly I would rather be the one to step out of the boat, and walk on water, as long as I believed.. then to stand by and watch everything taken from me and be able to do nothing.
I am not mad at her. Like I said before, this has become between me and whatever holds sway over the universe. She was just some silly girl who said hi to me, that I thought I was cute.
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
Neil Gaiman
Well I continue on this new miserable path. I can see the storm clouds rolling in, and the bridge looks out ahead. And Is that some kind of glowing eyes I see watching me from the treeline. God, I really hope its not Chuthlu. But the way m life has gone recently, it probably is.
Cthulu (Artist Rendition)See you guys later
Rob
posted by Hendersonman at 1:08 PM, | 
When I was getting over a harsh love - I used to listen to this song:
Get away from me, just get away from me
This isn't gonna be easy
But I don't need you
Believe me
You got a piece of me
But it's just a little piece of me
And I don't need anyone
These days I feel like I'm fading away
Like sometimes when I hear myself on the radio
Have you seen me lately?
Have you seen me lately?
I was out on the radio starting to change
Somewhere out in America, it's starting to rain
Could you tell me the things you remember About me
And have you seen me lately?
I remember me
And all the little things that make up a memory
Like she said she loved to watch me sleep
Like she said:
"It's the breathing, it's the breathing in and out and in and..."
Have you seen me lately?
I was out on the radio starting to change
Somewhere out in America it's starting to rain
Could you tell me the things you remember About me
And have you seen me lately?
I thought that someone would notice
I thought somebody would say something
If I was missing
Can't you see me?
Come on color me in
Come on color me in
Give me your blue rain
Give me your black sky
Give me your green eyes
Come on give me your white skin
Come on give me your white skin
Come on give me your white skin
I was out on the radio starting to change
Somewhere out in America, it's starting to rain
Could you tell me the things you remember About me
And have you seen me lately?
Have you seen me lately
I guess.... I guess when I would hear that song (counting crows) that it made me feel angry and pain and it made me really think about how I was really (not being) loved and how it's possible to move on and do better.
You will, I promise. You will do better.