Monday, December 10, 2007
Reflections on Life
We do our show on Sundays. And it is the only day out of the week that I see all my friends. Or at least most of them. Phil usual leaves me a key to his place, or leaves after I get there to go see his son.
This week while playing a game of Lumines with Josiah we discussed religion and philosophy. A deep topic in both cases. But I enjoy the conversation because we did not argue I just said my piece on why I just don't believe in God anymore, and he said why he did.
I have lost all faith. I tried to find some meaning in everything, but I just do not see it anymore. I contacted a lady I dated a few years ago. (Charla) who was a devoted Christian, and I was looking for answers. Something to make me believe or a way to look deeper.
Instead I got a lecture and it really bothered me. It just made things worse. She told me because I doubt I have let Satan in and that I am not the same person I used to be. The way she made it sound like is that I am abad person because I have lost faith.
You know what. THAT REALLY PISSESS ME OFF. I have been a good person my whole life. Even when I had no true Christian upbringing I still did good. And that is what always bothered me about Christians. How many do good just to get into heaven. I did good for no reasons. I do it because I care about people. I would sacrifice a lot for others, I try not to be a selfish person.
And even though God in my opinion A.) Does not exist, or B.) is just a fucking bastard who enjoys giving me something I want to just rip it away from to watch me cry. Frankly I would rather believe number 1. Because number 2 is just to heart wrenching to think about.
At least Josiah understands what I was trying to say and never judge me about it. He told me one thing. You will come back when your ready. That simple saying made me feel better, because it was not a lecture. It was not him backing down, and he was not blamming me for my decsion.
I guess it just bothered me a lot more than it should have. Yu know I wanted so much from life I never got. Maybe it is because I did not work hard for it, but I see crack heads, and pot heads get the things from there life I would die for. And some one who wanted a family, and wanted to be happy gets cheated out of it so many times.
I dont know, it jsust sucks sometimes.
And God if you are reading this, all I have to ask is this. Why do you treat people who care about others so badly? Is this some kind of test? Well if it is can you just stop I fail okay. I am not made for this shit. Tell me why I have lost all hope for a future.For what reason.
This week while playing a game of Lumines with Josiah we discussed religion and philosophy. A deep topic in both cases. But I enjoy the conversation because we did not argue I just said my piece on why I just don't believe in God anymore, and he said why he did.
I have lost all faith. I tried to find some meaning in everything, but I just do not see it anymore. I contacted a lady I dated a few years ago. (Charla) who was a devoted Christian, and I was looking for answers. Something to make me believe or a way to look deeper.
Instead I got a lecture and it really bothered me. It just made things worse. She told me because I doubt I have let Satan in and that I am not the same person I used to be. The way she made it sound like is that I am abad person because I have lost faith.
You know what. THAT REALLY PISSESS ME OFF. I have been a good person my whole life. Even when I had no true Christian upbringing I still did good. And that is what always bothered me about Christians. How many do good just to get into heaven. I did good for no reasons. I do it because I care about people. I would sacrifice a lot for others, I try not to be a selfish person.
And even though God in my opinion A.) Does not exist, or B.) is just a fucking bastard who enjoys giving me something I want to just rip it away from to watch me cry. Frankly I would rather believe number 1. Because number 2 is just to heart wrenching to think about.
At least Josiah understands what I was trying to say and never judge me about it. He told me one thing. You will come back when your ready. That simple saying made me feel better, because it was not a lecture. It was not him backing down, and he was not blamming me for my decsion.
I guess it just bothered me a lot more than it should have. Yu know I wanted so much from life I never got. Maybe it is because I did not work hard for it, but I see crack heads, and pot heads get the things from there life I would die for. And some one who wanted a family, and wanted to be happy gets cheated out of it so many times.
I dont know, it jsust sucks sometimes.
And God if you are reading this, all I have to ask is this. Why do you treat people who care about others so badly? Is this some kind of test? Well if it is can you just stop I fail okay. I am not made for this shit. Tell me why I have lost all hope for a future.For what reason.
posted by Hendersonman at 2:18 PM, | 
2 Comments:
It is very difficult to have to deal with an entity that thinks that you are not worthy. I can completely understand. There are times when I wonder if there is a God. I am in the same boat that you are. Even if you believe that God does not care for you or even if he does not exist, remember that you have friends that care for you and know that you exist. I know that they feelings for friends are not the same feelings that you would have for a woman, but they do help. Can't wait to see you this weekend.
Phil
Phil
I am a Christian and I can't see me as being anything else. Things happen to us for a reason. We all are given choices; some of us make the right ones, some of us don't. Some of us never get it right, others always do. God is a loving God. He does not punish, he does not turn his back on us. Sometimes what we ask for takes a long time to get to us because He only sends it when the time is right. Perhaps your time just isn't right yet. Hang in there...it will come when he feels you are ready. I hope this doesn't sound like I am preaching because I am not. I just don't want you to make wrong choices at this very important time in your young life.