My Honor is my life

Well I was thinking on the way home. Actually been thinking about it alot since Friday night. But this is my last post on this blog. Sad I know. But some things have come to me that actually make sense to me.

We went and seen the movie Hellboy 2. Afterwards we got into a discussion about Karma. I always thought karma happened to people that did good deeds. I have tried to do good things my entire life. And I felt this should have been enough.

I was informed that karma is also having a positive attitude, and I have so much negativity that it is killing me. So thats kind of why this blog has to go. I want more out of my life.

I dont want to die alone. I may never have the children I wanted, but I want to be happy. See I am having those old feelings of wanting to share my life with someone again.

The other night I was hanging out with some friends and another friend of theirs showed up. I talked to her and liked her personality and acually tried to flirt a bit. I am not good with flirting, but hey what could it hurt. I think one of my friends picked up on it because he was telling me all about her later that night. Now I am not saying that I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, I dont even know her really. Hell who is to say she would have been interested in me anyway.

But for once, I knew I was tired of being alone. I knew that I could give someone another chance to get inside me and rip me apart. Or give me the life I always wished for.

So this blog has to go. Becuase it is a negative in my life. If I have it, I always have a place to be depressed. A place to put my doubt, because I do not like to put it on others. If I am to lead a life, if I even have a chance to find my faith, I have to walk away from the negativity and think on the positive.

Anyway I leave this blog with a little quote from Neil Gaiman. One of my favorite quotes ever.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

Dont forget Halo has a blog, and I am sure some of my lifes little adventures will make it there. Halo's blog.

Sorry for the lack of updates. I kept putting off writing in this blg, and then realized it has almosr been a month since I had. So I thought hey I better get on that.

I have been occasionally taking sleeping pills. The other night I just had to take one. I was trying to sleep and I just started worrying. I worried about the economy, I worried about America in general. I listen to alot of Conspiracy Theories and there seems to be alot going on in the world right now. And most people will call you crazy, if you speak about it.

I think we are in trouble, and I think people like Alex Jones are right. If you look are money here is being made useless. Its devalued. And we owe so much to other countries that we can't pay. And now it seems like we are fishing to go to war with IRAN.. Why?

We can't afford the wars we are in now. I voted for Bush. I was a Republican for as many years as I can remember. But it doesnt matter. No one is going to change anything. I thought about all this and I got scared, and could not go to sleep.

No wonder they made these sleeping pills blue... reminds me of the matrix. Take one and when you wake up you don't remeber what you were worried about.

Just got back from taking Halo to the park. He gets alot of attention there. KIds love him, and he even made a frind at the park. Although the other night he was having nightmares. Its weird to watch a dog have nightmares. And he had several in a row. I would wke him up and he would look wide awake and then lay back down and start having it again. I eventually woke him up to make sure he was okay and not have some attack. He was fine. Weird.

Dog is a weirdo. I never had a dog that thinks bath time is awesome. He runs around the tub, slides and jumps. And he loves bubbles to.

Anyway nothing going on here. I got hit on at walmart, some lady there was looking at my video game shirts and asking me questions. I have no clue what her name was. I am not sure if she was really my type.

This weekend there was a fight in front of my apartment window. Two drunks fighting over the neighborhood slut. One of them was a maintence guy here. And he I believe lost his job. There was alcohol involved. And before I got out there to make sure someone didn't get killed, the one guy smashed a 40 against the maitence guys head. Then threw the bottle. I am pissed because my crack windshield now spread out all the was across the left side of the car. Looks like the bottle, or the fighters thought my car was an arena. Fucking idiots. I think you have to be able to pass some kind of test to get alcohol.

Anyway. Everyone have a good night

Hey guys.

Its been one of those weeks really. I got a lot of stuff weighing on my mind. Its not just bad luck for me, its bad luck to those even around me. But I guess some good has come out of it.

Lets see this week I was driving out from Walmart to pick up her perscriptions. I thought something was a little off when I was at the light. It seems I was having to put more pressure on the breaks than normal. But I soldiered on thinking it was paranoia, because my break light was not coming on.

A few weeks ago my break light had come on, and I found I was low on break fluid. I filled it up and promptly forgot about it. Well Wednesday night the root of the problem persented itself. We were almost home when I realized that I was having to put more pressure on the breaks to stop. We were close, and I knew I had enough brakes to get home. But It was like every stop light between here and home was red. But I made it okay.

I am not automechanic. But I figured my friend Ben could help me out. So I talked to him and he said we could take a look at it. I told him we could do it on Saturday. So my mom rode back and forth with his mom. (Ben lives in the same neighborhood as me, and his mom drops off his niece to Ben's wife so she can babysit.)

So she just offered to take my mom back and forth to work instead of me having to get up at the butthole of dawn. Plus it gives me comfort that when I find a job, my mom will have a ride to work already.

Then I get told bad news on Thursday. Ben's oldest son, Scott has Muscular Dystrophy.And Aspergers. At the age of 7, he is going to be the strongest he will ever be. Most people with this form of MD dont live past 19.

Aspergers is like Autism. In fact until 1994, they were thought to be the same thing. Aspergers' is a neurological disease with a lot of the same symptoms of Autsm. They are focused on one thing. For Scott it has always been snowmen. They dont do well in Social Situations, and are very shy. This sounds a lot like Scott, and Also Ben, he was always the same way. Also they some times even hear noises that others cant hear, and noises affect them diffrently than you or I.

I just dont know what to say. Its sad. He has twins now with his second wife. And she is a nurse, so I am sure that is a blessing. But to think this kid I have watched grow up is going to be slowly put into a wheelchair. And nothing you can do about it.

Ben could not figure out where the leak was coming from, so I am going to have to take it to the shop. We didnt talk about his son. We talked about his love of the Wii and his kids. I had sent him a message earlier in the week telling him, I was sorry to hear, and I wish I could do more.

I have to take my car to a shop this week. Might be safer in the long run. I never get anything right the first time anyway.

Then I go to Manda's pug blog and see this poor little dog Dakota/Molly and I unfortunately decided to look at the picture attached that she warned people about. It was the most heart breaking thing I had ever seen. I was horrified.

So I am pretty much drained this week. I look at my shitty car, and my shitty life, and realize that no one is having a perfect life. And for some reason that makes it worse. $4 a gallon of gas here. People loosing jobs, and the world is just falling apart, and you just cant do anything about it.

Oh well
Robert

Had not much to say lately. So I have been quiet. Just wanted people to know I am still alive and unemployed (Waiting to get my teeth work done in june before I hit the search hard: Translation: Take the first job I am offered.

Other than that, life is not filled with Sunshine and Rainbows.

Later

Rob

Last week was a decent week for the most part. GTA IV was released, and I had lots of fun playing it. I know it stirs up contraversey everytime its released. But thats because people dont get that M-rated games are not for kids. We still live in an age where politicians think that video games are just for kids.

O'bama did do something rare for politician last week. He said the video game is violent, but its not the games fault. Parents should parent. Its TV, movies and games that are raising our children. ANd that we need to turn off the tv occasionally. I think its a great idea. This man makes more sense every time I listen to him speak.

We has a windy day on Saturday. I took Halo to the park, on the riverfront here in Henderson. He loved it but I was freezinf. I had on a light shirt and shorts, and man it was cold. Thats what I get for not checking the weather.

I am waiting on my Stimulus money from the government. I am going to set up a dentist apointment. I am still a little scared, but to get rid of all this teeth on top, and get dentures I think will do amazing things for my self esteem. Its going to hurt for a few days. (Although Mom says that hers did not bother her much at all)

I have become tech support central here. Ben's mom got a computer and I had to take a look at it last night. She and her husband came by the apartment last night because they thought it was not working. It was fine I showed them what to do.

I had a weird dream about Melanie the other night. Its been awhile since I had a dream about her. I just remeber she needed a ride to work, and she gave me a tree. In the dream I kept calling it a fig tree. I dont know a fig tree from a ficus. In fact the meer thought of me knowing that a ficus tree exist is beyond me. I looked it up in dream interpretation website.

TO be given a fig tree is a sign of regret and sorrowfulness. Weird. But then Phil was in the dream later and he yelled at me for something. Probably cause he bought a game that he hates for the 4th time :) But I do remember having that tree at the end of the dream. It was odd in the least bit.

Still no jobs on the horizon. Waiting till I get the teeth thing resolved before I look superhard. Unless something that jumps right of the page and grabs my attention. (Fat ugly guy needed for Pornshoot, 1up.com looking for writers in the Henderson/Evansville area) Stuff like that.

Anyway. Its time to go play some GTA4. So I can later go out and kill some prostitutes for real.

Later
HENDERSONman

Not really much going on around here. Its pretty much all HALO all the time. The dog not the game. But he has hisown blog of course.

I got my money. I bought me a few things I wanted. A DS lite, and PSP. And put the rest of the money back for a car, and other things like money to live on. (About 4 more months of Unemployment)

I need to call about my teeth. My mom explained to me that they will not have to cut out my wisdom teeth, because they have came in. I dont know if I trust her on that, anyone know. (I am scared when people use th term cut, and its half the reason I am in no huge hurry to get it done. I am a chicken shit) I thought they always had to cut out the wisdom teeth cause they were so rooted. Times like this I wish my ex wife was around, she worked at a dental office.

Anyway. Just wanted to say hello, and I will talk to you later

Robert

So I got my 401 (k) check yesterday. $4520, its been a long time since I seen that much money at one time. With this I will be able to pay off my credit card, and survive jobless for probably another 4-5 months if I have to. :( But I am optimistic that something will present itself.

It can last longer, butI am never sure how long the old station wagon is going to make it. Yes I still have the car that tried to kill me. Some days I wish it had, but back in those days, I thought "everything was going to be all right" That was back before I lost my job, (without a fuck you or how you do)and the girl that changed my life (still waiting for her to tell me Hey, but we can be friends).

But havng a little money in your pocket knda changes your perspective. Sad isnt it. So I diddlebopped down to the bank. I was depositing it, and asking for $500 ( A Sony PSP was calling my name, yeah I know its expensive but my life has been in the shitter and I wanted something else nice) However since it is an Insurance check, (I thik the stupid bitch needs to get her eyes checked. Since its a 401 (k) and the company also does Insurance you would think they were two seperate things) they have to hold it for 5 days.. which in bank terms means a week. WHy cant they jus say a week. We dont live on buisiness time. I mean at the end of Fiday we dont enter a fucking time warp that automatically makes it Monday. (Thank God for that right, hell maybe we need a reverse time warp that makes Sunday warp to friday a 5 pm, amarite?) Can you tell I am frustrated.

But I can wait, I have tons of stuff to play through anyway. And a website to run. Which I have not wrote an article for in a long long time. And then a week later GTAIV comes out and I will be killing Hookers and running over old ladies and pissing off politicians for playing a game made for Adults, being sold to children... not really my fucking problem the way I see... Maybe parents should learn to fucking parent. I guess I will never get to know that joy.

Wow... this post is coming out all disgrunteled like. But after its done I will feel better. Its good to get frustration out in the open. Oh and I only have one friend it seems anymore, Phil, the rest of my in real life friends dont talk to me anymore. I am not sure what that is about. Well I have an idea what its about, but I am not going to worry about it, if no one wants to talk to me again whatever.

Speaking of Politics. I think this will be the first time I have ever voted Democrat. I dont think any of them can do anything for us, but I think Barack may try harder than any of them. I dont maybe I am being optimistic again. But I wont vote for Hilarity Clinton if I was on fire and she offered to piss on me. Her husband ruined this country.

Dont blame Bush for the job loss. When Bidiot Clinton signed NAFTA, there was a huge sucking sound... it was all our jobs going to Mexico. And the dollar is almost worthless. And gas continues to rise. I forsee another Civil War in the next few years. But its going to be the rich vs. poor. You cant keep taking things for people and expect them to take it. Scary is it not. Me I just want to play video games.

Anyway, I guess I am going to close out this rant session. So I can relax a little. Everyone have a good night.

Robert